Site Meter Curse of Senility: Pirate Urination (Arrrgh, pee!)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Pirate Urination (Arrrgh, pee!)

Silver Hand (US) is my home. I love this server, and I doubt I'll ever seriously consider leaving it. Often, some (truly brilliant) witticism I make in /2 will quickly be followed by one old friend or another responding with "HEY SENTAI!" or some old enemy responding with "FUCK YOU, SCRUB." I sometimes joke that everybody on the server either has me on their friends list or their ignore list by now. Good times.

Silver Hand is also an RP server. And while there were a multitude of factors that led to me rolling there, among them is my long and sordid history of role playing. Be it over a table top or across the endless tubes of the Internet, I've always loved trying on different identities. My thoughts on World of Warcraft RP are--perhaps--a topic for another time, however. Today, I'd like to take a moment to talk about RP descriptions. Terrible ones.

For those who have never attempted to 'immerse themselves in a fantasy role playing environment,' you may perhaps be unaware of the addon FlagRSP. All one must really know is that it allows a person to write a role play description of their character, which other FlagRSP users can see by selecting that player. Naturally on RP servers, it is a somewhat common addon. And as any intelligent person can no doubt guess; many, if not most, of these descriptions are nothing short of cringe-inducing.

And so, without further ado, your humble servant LS submits to you a non-comprehensive satire of Bad-RP-Description Archetypes:

The English Mayger: This guy had a 7th grade reading level when he was in 6th grade, and is convinced he's William fucking Shakespeare. His RP description can be marked by bizarre similes, always referred to as metaphors, and unnecessarily long words, often used improperly (so in those respects, you might say his RP description is very much like this blog.) Frequently his entire persona will change just to give him the opportunity to use a different big word. Rarely will he ever be seen actually RPing, because nobody can match his particular brand of intellectual prowess.

Smugly, the majestic magi Aznorzondicumulese masticates his tongue in his mouth as he observes you gazing upon him. His silken hair, draped elegantly across his elegant shoulders, glides down to the cold hard earth with the grace and elegance of a dove. His heavy-set jaw in clenched in admonition, and his eyes exude the feeling that he will stomach no soilment of his most auspicious honor. Between his long fingers, he spins an elegant crystal disk, which shimmers as though Beelzebub's fury were encased within it.

You win the RP if you're more badass than the other guy: For these people, the only reason they're RPing is so they can impress people by one-upping everyone with imaginary accomplishments they often make up on the spot. Pity them; they only do it due to a lack of any real accomplishments to brag about. Their RP descriptions are marked by excessive length, and the assumption that your character is able to make wild inferences about their past just by looking at them. Additionally, these characters are almost always rude, and will make an insincere attempt to repulse any attempt to talk with them--an attempt which is really just a cry for attention by the player.

You see before you a regal Night Elf. His glowing white-hot eyes glow with an inner fire, that express a deep and profound sadness, along with a memory dating back to the very creation of Azeroth. A deep scar runs down the side of his face--it looks as though it was made by Frostmourne in a three-way-battle between Illidan, Arthas, and him. His arm is marred by the teethmarks of a dragon, could it have been Deathwing? His armor is pitch black, and when you look at it you feel as though you are looking into eternity itself. His flowing cape brushes the ground, and is made by the finest clothiers of Silvermoon--who have interwoven the threads with mithril, making it indestructible. On his back is a sword forged by the breath of Alexstraza (his former lover) and set with magic gems that allow the wielder to sprout magical dragon wings. From his belt hangs a dagger etched with magical runes, and if you look at it you seem to see black rose petals wafting off of it. As you stare at him, he telepathically warns you to stay away.

The Guy who wants you to think he's a girl: Does it mostly for the hot lesbian cyborz. Never plays anything but a Night/Blood Elf, or very occasionally a Human, always female of course. If it's ever discovered that he's a guy, he'll defend himself by saying that he strongly identifies with femininity.

Petite and and cheerful, the bubbly young lady smiles at you when she notices you looking at her. Short and curvaceous, her eyes glitter with a mischievous glint and a dimpled grin never leaves her cheeks. Her dress is modest, though you get the distinct impression that she's not quite aware of her own sexuality yet; as her bountiful bosoms are left to bounce freely with every bounding step she takes.

The Girl who wants you to know she's a girl: Probably either a fat sow whose never had sex due to nobody ever being able to find her genitals*, or (more often) an emotional leech of a girl who will 'confide in you' that she cuts herself within 10 minutes of getting your attention. (If the latter case ever engages in cyb0rz, she will treat it more seriously than most girls would treat losing their virginity to a rapist.)

Shy and reserved, she is usually found sitting in the back of the room, gazing listfully at her hand, and twisting an old wedding ring around her finger. Her simple, long sleeved dress looks to be hand-made, and aside from her ring, the only piece of jewelry she has is a locket draped around her neck, with two small pictures inside.

So beware, WoWrriors! If you ever dare to venture onto an RP server, do so with courage in your heart. For if you venture into the lair of the beast, the beasts that prowl there will soon find you and pester you with their terrible characters! Your best defense is a macro bound to Keystroke #1 that goes "/y LOL RP."

Best of luck, adventurers.

(*Yes, I am a horrible person. I'm comfortable with that.)


  1. This post was born out of a joke between Pike and I one evening, and was meant to be a quick aside while I was working on a slightly more interesting post. I quickly discovered, however, that writing in several different styles in a single post is fucking hard! ;_; I'm still not satisfied with how well this turned out, but I don't wanna spend any more time on it.

  2. Well, you're a Warlock, so that's to be expected.

    I wonder... should I try writing an RP majigit for my character? I think it'd be fun...

  3. It's terribly fun. Even if you never actually RP, the process of creating a backstory for your character is an entertaining one, and makes them more interesting to play. Your character stops being an arbitrary assortment of polygons and textures and starts feeling like a real character. It's extremely fulfilling.

    The brief descriptions are fun to write too. I think Sentai's is currently something to the effect of "Elderly and frail, Sentai must lean heavily on his cane to walk, and is frequently stopped by a wet, hacking cough. He smells sickly-sweet, like old fruit."

  4. the last one... yes you are horrible! lol
    that being said, i am the girl that wants you to know i am a girl, but i am neither a fat sow or an emotional leech... having just recently moved to an RP server i never really made a backstory for any of my girls (or my one guy). maybe i should work on that now, although i have always thought of my girls as being single...

  5. One of the funniest blog posts I've read in a while. Kudos :)

  6. @ Shamrockgirl--I know I replied to you before, I don't know where it went. I can't recall exactly what I said, but I think it had something to do with the 'fat sow' comment feeling a little dangerous to me as I wrote it, but that I ultimately decided to stick with it--trusting my readers were intelligent enough to realize it was just a joke. I haven't yet been disappointed. I believe I also wished you luck on your new RP server! They really are a lot of fun! =D

    @Adam--I'm glad you thought so ^_^ I love to make people laugh, and knowing I did so for you means a lot!